I'm finding that I am staying up way too late & being tired the next day. If only being a 'night owl' would fit in with school too. I have finally got the two children into some kind of working sleep routine & they are both asleep by 8:30pm. I am then finding that I am staying up later & later just to get all my work done.

I kind of like the silent house too, just me and whatever I am working on & not much noise or distractions.

In a couple of weeks I am flying to Melbourne to be Maid of Honour (yes, I have been promoted) in a wedding. For a while I was aprehensive about leaving the two little ones at home & travelling by myself. I had fears that the plane would crash - but now I am feeling kind of calm about it. Maybe even excited. It will be nice to spend some time away from home & be in a different headspace.

Although too much time in side your own head can be bad. Lately I've been thinking about where my life has been going. I was feeling that I have wasted so much time being a full time mum for the past 6 years. I feel like I should have done more with the kids or more in my own life. My life kind of feels a bit aimless, or purposeless.

Maybe this is just some kind of post-thesis blues. Like I accomplished something and now there is the big SO WHAT!

I just don't really know what to do to give myself some motivation, to move forward with something. Any ideas?

Ever since I read the casting note at my daughter's school announcing that Clive Owen was filming here I have been on a kind of 'stakeout', hoping to chance across him one day.
I think I missed my chance.
Found out he was on the main street, just metres from my dad's house, at a cute craft store buying handmade quilts made by one of my fave Aussie crafters...oh why! Wishing I had made a trip out to see my dad (and Clive)

Things have been quite mundane around here, nice...but not much to report. I was sick all last week with several things all at once. Spent a miserable Wednesday in bed, feverish and trying to sleep.
However, by Friday I was back to feeling better & appreciating my health!

On Friday night we caught the bus into town to see the launch of something called the Rundle Lantern; basically large lights around the side of a building...however it is very nicely done & there is something special about seeing large lights synchronised to music. The kids loved it and they got about 4 glowsticks each from the lady handing them out to the assembled crowd. My two were dancing in the street, busting out some pretty hip moves (and me wishing I had a video camera). After looking at the lights for a bit, we then went to a nearby cafe for gelati & then having missed the bus caught a taxi home.

That night I watched 'United 93' on TV, which while being a really good (well made) movie left me feeling melancholy.

Saturday was HOT...think it was about 38degrees, so we just stayed indoors for most of the day. The children made things out of recycled boxes & containers that I keep on hand for such occassions. It was interesting to watch them work, as my 6.y.o daughter requires help for just about all aspects of making (ie gluing, sticking, cutting) but my 2.y.o is determined to do it all himself. He made an elevator, a house for a caterpillar and a car. My daughter made a dolls house (split level, with a pool - quite fancy). Then later in the afternoon we went for a swim and while the pool was a little chilly, it was very nice to be in it.

Yesterday was spent tending to the often neglected garden - then friends came over & stayed for dinner which we ate 'al fresco'. In the evening the documentary about Scott Walker '30th Century Man' was on TV, so I watched that while having a piece of the banana bread that I had just got out of the oven.

I finished a few books this week too - one was an essay by Germaine Greer titled 'On Rage' in which she explores the feelings of rage held by Indigenous (male) Australians and rage as a destructive force. She talks about how often this rage is turned on the indigenous community itself, particularly the woman & children - but also witnessed in the high suicide & custodial rate in male Aboriginals. It was good reading & worth seeking out.

Before that I read 'Misconceptions' by Naomi Wolf - which opened my eyes up to a lot of things that happen during pregnancy/birthing ( and after). I didn't have the best time with hospital staff & reading about the "whys" of some practices made me realise that often courses of action are taken due to time, budgets and ease for hospital staff rather than the mother & child. There was also a sentence, which I underlined - saying that morphine can inhabit the bonding process & mess up breastfeeding for the baby. I was on morphine for 5 days before having my 2y.o and did find it difficult to bond with him & feed him...so I'm wondering if there is indeed truth to that & if so - why wasn't I told?

So today I am home alone, contemplating doing housework. Following up on emails and phonecalls & that kind of thing. Sometimes the days feel like they go to quickly.

I think I have earnt my beer tonight! The day began badly, I had a terrible nights sleep thanks to my sons kicking feet in bed next to me, then when I woke & got ready for the daily walk I go on with my friend at 6:45...she didn't show up or even contact me to say she couldn't make it. How I wanted just a little bit more sleep.

After breakfast I made a pound cake & my friend with her 2 girls came over for lunch. It was nice to have a talk with her as I have been going over a few things in my mind, it was nice to kind of relase them & get some insight into it all. Lately I have been getting those around me telling me that I need to get a job as it would help with my sense of self-identity. I feel that my self-identity is something which I am quite happy with...so, not sure where they are coming from. I'm happy being a mum (plus the art classes are still going well). Anyway, she reassured me that I was doing the right thing & that it can be difficult to plan, you never quite know what is waiting around the corner. Maybe the perfect job or something else...

Then she went home & her eldest daughter stayed for a play. My daughter & her friend then were scuttling back & forth with things hidden from view & acting very suspiciously. They also locked themselves in the bathroom...a huge neon sign of mischief!! My mum rang, so I chatted to her for a while before saying that I had better go & check on the girls as the noise coming from the bathroom was getting louder.

I went in there and found that they had mixed red blue food colouring, decanted it into hairspray bottles and sprayed it around the bathroom. Purple basin, floors, walls, toilet seat, towels & one of them was wearing a bridesmaids dress!! Oh man, I was so disapointed...and they didn't help out cleaning up at all.

So, I'm thinking that maybe I need to become a bit more disciplined, get a bit boring & parental & set some boundaries. They say that it is good for children...

who cares if I am happy or not....

Morrissey is coming HERE in January!!!!

Prayers answered.

I at home, sick with tonsilitis. My two children are watching Mary Poppins - again - which I am quite happy with, as it is my favourite movie. It is so nice to see their little faces light up with joy & they love doing the penguin dance like Bert & pretending they are chimney sweeps dancing over the rooftops.

My morning started out with an argument, sometimes it feels like the same one that I have been having for about 2 1/2 years. Maybe it is me, maybe I do need to 'lighten up' a bit.

Last Monday I went to meet the Head of Art History at the other University in town. She was late, so I went & had a chat with my partners aunty, whose office was down the hall. Then after 30mins I went to search for the lady I was supposed to be meeting - we eventually got together and had a wonderful meeting. She was very keen on my research area and even said that she was "jealous"! We talked mostly about Morrissey, which was such a revelation. Finding someone that likes his music is kind of rare (well, not here) and it was great to talk to someone in the academic area who I didn't have to exlain who he is etc. So, I am feeling quite positive about changing over to that University if any research opportunities present themselves.

I've been walking every morning with one of the school mums/neighbour and swimming Friday nights with another friend. I think it has been really good for me as I have been thinking not only more clearly, but generally feeling in a better frame of mind. Or maybe it is because Winter is over & the warmer/sunnier weather just makes me feel better anyway.

At the local park I met a woman and her two children who have just moved over here from S.Korea. They don't speak very much English and she was worrying about her grammar. But what always strikes me is that generally my grammar is quite bad and I feel as though I should apologise for that! I thought it must be kind of lonely in a new country, without your husband and not speaking the language very well. She lives quite close to my house & said that I should knock on her door for a cup of tea whenever I can...so I think that I will. My daughter gets along with her 5y.o girl and 9y.o boy too, so that makes things nice.

We are going away to the beach house this weekend, which I am looking forward to. Our friends are coming there for Sunday lunch and a walk to the beach. I think it will be great and the children just love being there. I am going to go the produce markets and get some nice bread and cheeses for lunch. Both my children are 'vegetarians' now, my 2y.o boy has never eaten meat and my daughter has decided to join him after seeing an episode of the Simpsons on Tuesday night (one where Bart raises a cow). I'm not sure how strictly I should enforce it, I was thinking maybe just continue making them vegetarian meals but if she eats some meat...I don't think I should make her feel bad?

Although we have just got back from a holiday - I feel like I need to go on holiday again, I am exhausted!
We went to Melbourne (which is a one hour plane trip from where I live, or a 9 hour car drive) & had a great time. I've been to Melbourne lots of times & it has always been my favourite Australian city, for its coolness. Usually I am just so impressed by how well everyone is dressed & feel inspired by the culture and arts vibe of the city. However, this time around I didn't find myself so impressed. Maybe my little hometime is catching up in the cool stakes?
On the first day, after checking into the hotel we wandered around the city kind of aimlessly, not really certain of where to go or what to do. We went to Chinatown and had Japanese for lunch & then wandered down the main shopping Mall. But I think really we were a little tired from the 5am wake up to catch the flight. So we went back to the Hotel to 'chill out' a bit. Then we caught the tram to Chapel & Greville St - which has always been a favourite area. Here we looked at cool clothes shops, went to a bookshop, bought some items at American Apparel, checked out seconhand/vintage shops & then had dinner at an Italian restaurant. Our 2y.o boy thew the biggest tantrum that day, kind of embaressing...but I think he was just over-tired.

The next day we headed to the Aquarium, which was someting for the children to enjoy. They had a great time looking at sharks, stingrays, 'Nemo' fish, turtles etc...then the dreaded gift shop!! Another screaming episode by our little one. After the Aquarium we headed to the Art Gallery to see the Art Deco exhibit (which had come from the V&A), I love Art Deco style & the dresses by Chanel, Lanvin (& I can't remember the others!) were just exqusite & I think they could easily be worn today. There was a blue sequined dress by Chanel, it was bias cut, with a bow on the front & I so wanted to take it from behind the glass & keep it for myself! Just gorgeous! My daughter was entranced by some footage of Josephine Baker dancing - she wanted to watch it over & over.
After the gift shop, we walked to Federation Square (which is galleries & restaurants), where we saw a retrospective exhibition by Australian artist Robert Klippel. The small sculptural work was shown in a room that was a bright white enclosed space. It elicited a strange sensation, like being in bright fog. And the small sculptural pieces looked like jewellery. We then went down towards the Yarra River & had beer & pizza for dinner. The walk back to the Hotel was quite leisurely & we even made a stop for Krispy Kreme doughnuts for desert.

On the last full day in Melbourne, we went out to Brunswick St/Gertrude St, which is a very 'hip' area. I bought an owl mug from a cool homewares shop called 'Douglas & Hope'. We had a big lunch at the 'Little Creatures' restaurant. Little Creatures are the makers of the BEST beer on the planet!! And the food at the restaruant was traditional, pub kind of fare...but so yummy! Then we went to the Museum, which had great things for children to do & keep busy. The kids loved the dinosaur skeletons & the human body displays.

That night - I went to my cousins Hen's Night - wearing my Bridesmaid sash! It was a quite night as she wasn't feeling well. But it was nice to see my other cousins there & my aunty. It was all over by 9:30 though! Oh, I also got my bridesmaid dress while in Melbourne. It is strapless! But I think getting a decent bra will help in that department!! It is purple with black lace over the top and a ribbon/bow thing under the bust area. I think my cousin thought it was too black - but you can see purple & I like it & importantly I think I would wear it again....so a little victory there in the dress department.

On Saturday, we flew back home - the two kids were so tired...so we just hung around the house. Then that night we had tickets to go & see Compaigne Phillipe Genty - of which I knew little about. But the show was amazing, loved it! Dance, puppetry, illusion...would love to take the children if they come here again.

So, today I am home by myself, doing a bit of work, tidying up, watching Ellen on TV, getting ready for Art Class this afternoon. Starting to feel myself again...in need of a massage or something.
** also finished reading 'The Information' by Martin Amis, which I highly recommend

Well I don't think turning 30 yesterday has changed me...although I do feel happy!
And tired. My party went really, really well...had such a great time. But probably like a Wedding Day or something, it seemed to go by in such a blur. I feel like I didn't have enough time to thank people properly or to talk to them. My cousin came over from Melbourne & helped out making the food, which was a huge relief to me. She took a heap of photos - so when she sends them to me I'll share them here.
I got some nice presents, a few bunches of flowers which has made the house look & smell nice. And the weather was fantastic...best day of the year so far!

My dad made it quite late in the evening, but it was nice to just have a small group left - we were all chatting outside - well laughing hysterically mostly. My dad is such a funny guy! He has this certain way of saying things, or telling a story which is charasmatic & entertaining.

A friend that I have mentioned on here before (with the three daughters) became very interested in one of our friends. As she was leaving she asked us if he was single - we said "yes" but didn't really think much more of it as she is married with kids..but she continued to talk him up, asking for his phone number etc. It was getting a little uncomfortable & then her daughter says "because our daddy isn't always nice"....what!!!??? I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. Then at school this morning, she was talking about our friend again. She sounds very keen! My other friend said "oh, these suburban mums, they're up for it".

Yesterday I went to my mums for lunch - and I think I was still feeling under the influence. As I went to get my daughter a drink I upended a jug of punch that went all over my mums chair, the table, the tablecloth & the carpet. I think my mum was a bit cross with me - I could tell that my hands were shaking & I was doing things all the wrong way. Bit too much to drink the night before.

But lunch was lovely, my mum gave me the Playstation game Buzz as a present - which was lovely - and my daughter & I played it as soon as we got home.

So - Wednesday we are off to Melbourne & I for one cannot wait! Just hoping that the weather will be kind to us. I've got birthday $ and a list of shops where I want to spend it. We got around to booking our accomodation & the children are healthy again.

My partner paid for my party and our holiday to Melbourne so I said not to buy me anything else - however at breakfast he presented me with a present & it was a CD by my ex-boyfriends band? Not sure what to make of that one....Then he was getting ready to go to his Dad's (as I had to share my birthday with Fathers Day) and he was doing his usual "haven't got a stitch to wear" routine - so I suggested 'my' Rank t-shirt...he sort of hummed about it, and I said "It used to be exes" and he said "No way would I wear that then!" and I said "So, why did you give me a CD of his band then?"....confused?

I've got to get ready for Art Class now - we are finishing off the mosaics from last week.

Aaagh, new neigbours moving in next door! And I am hating them already, ha, ha! No, I really shouldn't judge them so harshly, I have yet so meet the sweet young things, as when they came over to introduce themselves I didn't go to the door. I was in the childrens room, putting together Ikea furniture in my "trakkie daks" (tracksuit pants) & didn't really feel that this was my best look for a first meeting.
So partner & the kids & the dog went to the front door & from my eavesdropping, the new neighbours sounded really nervous.

Reason One why I don't like them: is I feel that they 'stole' my
house & they bought it dirt cheap.

Reason Two they were nasty to the previous tenants, who are good friends of mine

Reason Three Today as I went out to the back of the house to go to the bathroom, what do I see buy a guy standing in my backyard! At least I wasn't naked!! Anyway, they are chopping down all the lovely trees & just happened to be doing so in my backyard. The girl thinks that the trees are going to poison her dog. So now the backyard looks bare & there are all bits of tree over our backyard & they trampled over the new plants I put in on the weekend & I am having my party this weekend & I wanted the garden to look nice!!!

But, I'm sure they really are lovely people! And thanks to my former neighbours Facebook stalking - we know they have Bad Taste In Music...which is a huge crime!!

***

Today in the mail I got a "unfortunately..." letter which means that I missed out on the seemingly perfect job at an art gallery. Oh well, whatever next?
This week I am busy getting ready for the 30th party on the weekend. I said to a friend on Sunday, I have this crazy thought that I am going to wake up this Sunday & being 30 will somehow make a huge difference to my life. I imagine that I will know what I want, look how I want, be accepting of my life, be happy. But her reply was that "Its not gonna happen".
When I was in primary school I remember being excited about being thirty & one of my boyfriends used to say to me that the teenage years didn't suit me, that being in my thirties was going to be my time. I really hope so...my twenties were ok (the best thing was having my two children)...but I did feel kind of uncertain. I'm hoping to have more direction in my life.

Next week we are going to Melbourne (reminder: book accomodation) & I am so looking forward to being somewhere different. And shopping. I've always had the best luck finding Morrissey/Smiths vinyl in Melb. & I am hoping that luck continues. Of course, we are going to do some child-friendly activities too - like the acquariuam, visit the fairy garden at the Botanic Gardens & the Childrens Petting Farm. My cousin is having her Hen's Night while we are there...it will be nice to go out to dinner & have a few drinks with her, our other cousins & her friends.

The wedding isn't that far away & now that we have permission to wear whatever style dress we want (as long as it is purple) the hunt it on. She still wants me to go strapless - and I demonstrated to my partner what this would look like & he was very impressed. Which, means a NO from me, as if he is impressed, then I must look like a bar-wench!!

Tonight I'm going swimming with my friend - after we have put our respective children to bed - I expect to be gasping for air. I haven't exerted myself in so long! (and unfortunately, that includes the bedroom).

Not sure if it is because it is the last week of Winter, but we have all been sick this last week or so. My 2 y.o has a middle ear infection (again!), and I'm really thinking that I should have gone to the specialist to find out more about grommets. My daughter has bronchiatis, so was put on asthma medication - which has helped. The I was sick on Tuesday with some kind of fever & sore bones thing. Luckily for me it was only 24 hours. I picked up my daughter from school yesterday & I could just see as soon as she started walking over to me that she was sick. This time with a fever & headache, so she has had another day home from school. Then when I picked up 2y.o from my mums, he was screaming in pain all the drive home, and when we got home he was saying "Mama, I can't walk" - which just scared me! He was crawling & looked very much in discomfort. So I called a doctor out, who arrived at midnight, just when my son was sleeping soundly (always the way!). Luckily, it was only a reaction to anitbiotics & he can walk again...so not sure what that was about. He said this morning "I can walk again"....such a cutey.

Phew...it has been quite a week. Can't wait for the warm Spring weather to come & blow all this sickness away.

Other than being nurse, I have been trying to organise my party for my 30th, decided not to get it catered for & just do it myself. Save my pennies for our upcoming trip to Melbourne. We've also been busy re-doing rooms in the house, which has been much needed but left the house kind of in limbo. Of course, getting rid of clutter always makes an untidy mess for a while. But it is getting there. I got this cute wall decal for the kids room of a branch with three owls sitting on it. We all love it!

I had an exhibition review that I wrote accepted, so that was good news...now just have to write more. I think setting deadlines is a good way for me to work.

And I am not going to the pub tonight...