'We're married, we just don't have sex'

[iamkali62]

WTF? "Masturbation, it's just something my BODY wanted to do." CRAP!

 

[Arsenal]

Aside from that marriage part they have a perfect relationship. Pity they had to make it a legal arrangement. Oh well, nothing is perfect.

 

[grandma death]

it shouldn't be a surprise that some people don't want to have sex, i don't think morrissey fans shouldn't find it surprising either-after all morrissey publicly outed himself as celibate.

 

[Arsenal]

it shouldn't be a surprise that some people don't want to have sex, i don't think morrissey fans shouldn't find it surprising either-after all morrissey publicly outed himself as celibate.

Celibate, yes, but not asexual. Now, I don't find it 'surprising' that people are asexual at all. Personally, I believe one has the capacity to control those feelings, if they even have them to such an extent to which they even make an impact in the first place. For some reason, the weak and overly sexual take offense to this control or simply lack of desire and find the need to state how crazy and messed up these people are.

I would never be so foolish to attack something I don't understand like that. As a matter of fact, I admire them, a great deal, and to a certain point I also envy how simple their lives must be.

 

[grandma death]

Celibate, yes, but not asexual. Now, I don't find it 'surprising' that people are asexual at all. Personally, I believe one has the capacity to control those feelings, if they even have them to such an extent to which they even make an impact in the first place. For some reason, the weak and overly sexual take offense to this control or simply lack of desire and find the need to state how crazy and messed up these people are.

I would never be so foolish to attack something I don't understand like that. As a matter of fact, I admire them, a great deal, and to a certain point I also envy how simple their lives must be.

yeah i realise that celibacy is entirely different to being assexual. Although i dont think morrisseys celibacy is that different to assexuality- he wasn't celibate for religious reasons, none of us can ever know what exactly motivated his sexuality but it look likes it leans more toward assexuality than anything else.
I just find the earlier responses to this thread very interesting, i mean sexuality is a very unique thing- everyone is different and some people appear to have a hard time understanding it.

 

[mauve21]

Despite not being physically attracted to other people, Paul Cox, 24, explains how he and his wife found love and happiness as an asexual couple

Paul Cox The Guardian, Monday September 8 2008

People wonder why asexuals bother to get together, but Amanda and I have been happily married for nine months now and we're both still virgins. Some people even think asexuality doesn't exist. It's so underrepresented, I can understand why people are skeptical. I was too, even though I was perfectly used to thinking of myself in this way. For years I just thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this.

My parents are agricultural scientists, so I've lived overseas since around the age of 10. I was in India until I was 16, then Zimbabwe for two years, and then Kuwait. I studied in China and New York, before settling in London. Even at 10, I had a sense that I didn't want to get married and have children. I know a lot of kids say things like that, but I didn't change my mind about it later on. I wasn't interested in relationships or finding a girlfriend, and was very sure I didn't have an interest in boys either.

Gradually my school friends spent more and more time talking about girls and pursuing relationships, but I could never grasp what they were expecting to get out of it. There were family parties in India where all the kids would gather outside in the garden.

I was 13 and had a best friend, Kasim, who was a year younger than me. He had a crush on an Australian girl called Jessica - everyone seemed to think she was the prettiest. We had lots of whispered discussions about what he could say to her, and even though I thought it was a ridiculous game, I wanted to fit in, so I pretended I had a crush too - on a French girl called Sylvie. She was a safe bet because she was so unlikely to reciprocate. I knew she wasn't at all interested in me. I'd just discuss her with the boys.

There were times as I got older when girls did seem interested in me, but I always deliberately ignored their signals. I wanted to avoid getting into a situation I'd feel uncomfortable with, so I never even kissed a girl. The first girl I kissed became my wife.

When I was 13, my father gave me a book on sex education. I felt as if I was reading about a foreign culture; I just couldn't see why anyone would go to so much trouble just to have sex. I tried looking at pornography on the internet. I wasn't disgusted or appalled - it was just boring, like looking at wallpaper.

Masturbation was another topic of conversation in those days, and I did masturbate. It wasn't a sexual urge for me, I didn't fantasise, it was just something my body decided to do. People say about asexuals: "But if they masturbate doesn't that make them sexual?" It's hard to explain, but if you're asexual you don't necessarily feel an explicit connection between masturbation and sexual orientation. It's just part of having a human body - a physical, biological process.

After we moved to Zimbabwe I went back to visit my old friend Kasim. The last time we'd seen each other we'd been into computer games, drinking Coke and going for pizza. Two years on, it was a shock to see how much Kasim had changed. Sex was his major preoccupation. He had a girlfriend and was on the brink of going all the way with her. One afternoon we were with some of Kasim's friends, and he began goading two of the girls into kissing each other in front of a camera. The whole atmosphere was really charged, and I felt out of my depth. I'd fallen behind. Kasim had been my friend a long time, but he'd entered this different world without me.

By the time I went to university, I was happy to let people wonder about my sexuality. I wasn't pretending to talk about girls any more. Some people assumed I was gay, but my best friend Simon was the first person to confront me directly. We were studying in Hangzhou, in China, just south of Shanghai. It's a very beautiful city, on a lake with mountains, and we were walking through the streets when Simon asked me outright. First he made a joke about whether "I liked girls ... or boys?" I laughed but he persisted and said "So what are you?" I just said, "I'm not straight and I'm not gay, and that's it, full stop." Back then I didn't know what term to use.

The following summer I was surfing the internet when I read a post from a girl who wasn't attracted to anyone. Someone had suggested she should be aware of "asexuality", and gave the address of a website: asexuality.org. When I went to the site and read the material, I was quite dismissive at first, because you just don't hear about other asexuals. Since Freud and Kinsey, and even to an extent the sexual revolution of the 60s, we tend to believe anyone without a sexual orientation must be repressed or delusional. Asexuality is therefore an impossibility. Kinsey labelled us "X", a statistical throwaway category for anyone damaged to the point where they can't express any sexuality.

Gradually, though, through visiting the site, I came to realise that these were just ordinary people; people who were writing things I'd thought myself, but had never heard anyone else express. It was such a relief. Finally I had a label - a way to explain myself that could settle all the awkwardness and questioning.

I told my close friends straightaway. Only one female friend didn't really believe me. I think she thought I was secretly in love with her.

Back at college I decided to get it over with in one day by wearing a T-shirt saying: "Asexuality is not just for amoebas". I was nervous, but I'd already told a dozen or so people, and was used to answering the same questions over and over. No one has ever reacted really badly to me - I've been lucky.

I told my mother shortly after finding the asexual website, and she said: "Well as long as you understand the possibility that one of these days you'll meet someone and want to settle down with them." I wasn't so sure. I'd already resigned myself to a solitary existence. I'd convinced myself I could form strong friendships and was independent enough to fare OK. Luckily my mother always ends up being right about everything.

When my studies took me to New York, I got more involved with the asexual community there. I posted messages on their website and there were regular meet-ups in a little pink tea shop in the East Village - I guess you could call it the asexual equivalent of a gay bar.

One day I got an email from Amanda. She was asexual, living close by, and offered to show me around the neighbourhood. In case she was cruising for an asexual boyfriend, I responded with a warning that I was "vehemently anti-romantic". But we met up anyway, for tea and ice-skating, and we took to meeting a lot.

I loved Amanda's attitude to life and enjoyed hanging out with her. And she was pretty. At first I tried to treat it like any other friendship. Then I found myself travelling four miles downtown to deliver sandwiches when she told me she was hungry. Two months in, we were at a gig and it seemed like a good idea to hold her hand. I felt cautious about it but just wanted to. I wondered if I could. Then I found I couldn't let go.

That evening ended with us agreeing that our friendship was an important thing. We wanted to commit for life. In the asexual community we don't form relationships lightly. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a person, there's no reason to make such a special commitment.

When we announced our engagement, our families were happy for us, and our friends in the asexual community were particularly pleased. On our wedding night, my mother-in-law insisted on booking us into a honeymoon suite, so we invited all our friends to an after party. We played Scrabble late into the night and everyone stayed over and slept on the hotel-room floor.

People always ask how our marriage is different from just being friends, but I think a lot of relationships are about that - being friends. We have built on our friendship, rather than scrapping it and moving on somewhere else. The obvious way we differ is that we don't have sex, though we do kiss and cuddle. We like to joke that the longer we're married the less unusual this is. By the time we've been married five years we'll be just like everyone else.

Do I feel as if I'm missing out on something? Not really. We've decided that if either of us wants to try sex out in the future then we will see what we can do. We would both be willing to compromise because we're in a relationship and that's what you do.

When it comes to the future and to children, we're big advocates of adoption. We're not so fussed about passing on our own genes. Right now we're quite happy with what we've got. After moving around so much, I can say now that wherever Amanda is - that's home.

· Paul Cox was interviewed by Bridget O'Donnell. Some names have been changed.

I reckon one of these people will tire of the situation and end the marriage sooner or later. Either that or they would have to be the most boring couple ever.......
But it takes all kinds to make a world........

 

[5am]

The sex drive does vary, mine has been up and down over the years. There have been times when I've had no interest, and times when I could think of nothing else. That shouldn't make you anyone feel guilty, it's your body to share or not share as you please.

Too bad I had no one to tell me that when I was 20.

 

[Sunglasses]

I attended this wedding.

 

[Zelda Zonk]

I understand what you're saying, but I'm quite generous and think of most Morrissey fans as quite acerbic lateral thinkers, and having been exposed to the numerous lyrics and interviews, one would imagine something would stick.

I know what you mean. But you're not looking closely enough: 2 whole pages of this thread have been about tea-cakes and several posts have been about knitting. Only on a Morrissey forum! Funny.

 

[EPbabe]

You don't need someone else for that.

But it's definitely better that way.

You really think so? It's completely alien to me, but he seems pretty convinced by it. Although he didn't explain the masturbation issue very well.

Isn't this the standard behavior?

People have sex before marriage, then they get married and then they stop.

Erm.... let me break it for you gently: not true.

I think he's just really smart and articulate and has figured out a way to rationalize some fear he has of sex into this complicated bullshit excuse that he's asexual. Do you think as they're cuddling that he's actively repressing his boner for his super cute wife? I agree with EPBabe on this one.

I was just going to say that. For me asexuality is like an excuse of people who are either afraid of sex or had too many failed attempts. It's not a type of sexuality - it's an excuse.

Dear God EP...I can think of a zillion things better than a bloody orgasm.Granted they are okay for about four seconds but that's about it.

Your personal experiences might make you say that but fortunately I don't feel that way. Fingers crossed you find a good sex partner one day.

you are so dirty.

I am. Or just a healthy young woman.

 

[I am a Ghost]

Fingers crossed you find a good sex partner one day.

"Fingers crossed"? Is that the secret to finding a good sex partner? Is is a signal to potential suitors? Or part of the "act", as it were? or a combination of these elements?

I think we should be told, dear EP

 

[chica]

But it's definitely better that way.





Erm.... let me break it for you gently: not true.



I was just going to say that. For me asexuality is like an excuse of people who are either afraid of sex or had too many failed attempts. It's not a type of sexuality - it's an excuse.



Your personal experiences might make you say that but fortunately I don't feel that way. Fingers crossed you find a good sex partner one day.



I am. Or just a healthy young woman.

Basically you're saying that everyone has to like sex, and if they don't like it they must be "doing it wrong".

Substitute "sex" with anything else (chocolate?) and you'll realise that there is nothing in this world that everyone likes. It's narrow minded to assume that there is.

 

[5am]

Erm.... let me break it for you gently: not true.

Even after 10 years? 20? 30?

I doubt it.

I was just going to say that. For me asexuality is like an excuse of people who are either afraid of sex or had too many failed attempts. It's not a type of sexuality - it's an excuse.

Just because you never experienced it, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

People can decide do avoid having sex for whatever reason, and that doesn't necessarily mean they miss out on something. Different people have different needs. Is it really so hard to Comprehend?

 

[Cassius]

Pity they had to make it a legal arrangement. Oh well, nothing is perfect.

But what if that was what they wanted to do?

 

[EPbabe]

"Fingers crossed"? Is that the secret to finding a good sex partner? Is is a signal to potential suitors? Or part of the "act", as it were? or a combination of these elements?

I think we should be told, dear EP

Basically you're saying that everyone has to like sex, and if they don't like it they must be "doing it wrong".

Substitute "sex" with anything else (chocolate?) and you'll realise that there is nothing in this world that everyone likes. It's narrow minded to assume that there is.

We are designed to enjoy it and with a reason. Otherwise we wouldn't have babies.

Even after 10 years? 20? 30?

I doubt it.

I hope I will.

Just because you never experienced it, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

People can decide do avoid having sex for whatever reason, and that doesn't necessarily mean they miss out on something. Different people have different needs. Is it really so hard to Comprehend?

I can more or less understand if somebody just gets bored after a while and loses interest. Like, after decades of being with the same partner. That I can understand. But without even trying it? (If I remember the article correctly and he hasn't even tried.)

And yes, it's something I find very hard to comprehend.

 

[chica]

We are designed to enjoy it and with a reason. Otherwise we wouldn't have babies.

Spot on. It's an evolutionary advantage. Liking sex, liking sweet taste, heterosexuality. For thousands of years, all those characteristics meant that the individual who has them has greater chances to pass on his or her genes. Majority of people who momentarily inhabit this planet are descendants of heterosexual people who liked sex and had sweet tooth, which explains why most people at the moment have those characteristics.

So what? Are people who don't like sex, don't like sweet taste, or homosexuals freaks? Abnormal mistakes of nature? Or even worse, non-existent?

 

[Franzanna]

Spot on. It's an evolutionary advantage. Liking sex, liking sweet taste, heterosexuality. For thousands of years, all those characteristics meant that the individual who has them has greater chances to pass on his or her genes. Majority of people who momentarily inhabit this planet are descendants of heterosexual people who liked sex and had sweet tooth, which explains why most people at the moment have those characteristics.

So what? Are people who don't like sex, don't like sweet taste, or homosexuals freaks? Abnormal mistakes of nature? Or even worse, non-existent?

Homosexuality isn't genetic, I don't think. It's someone's personal preference, like the chap who says he's asexual. I respect that, but what I don't understand is why he masturbated. He really didn't explain it very well. Why would you masturbate if you didn't feel the need to have sex?

 

[Not Right in the Head]

So what? Are people who don't like sex, don't like sweet taste, or homosexuals freaks? Abnormal mistakes of nature? Or even worse, non-existent?

The first and third of those tend not to reproduce and pass those traits along, so yes, by an evolutionary measure, they are mistakes, insofar as they don't contribute to the continuation and improvement of the species. And in doing so, they contribute that much more to the success of my own offspring. So it's a win-win situation.

 

[oye terence]

this has given me a good idea for a thread.

 

[5am]

I hope I will.

Then I hoop it as well

I can more or less understand if somebody just gets bored after a while and loses interest. Like, after decades of being with the same partner. That I can understand. But without even trying it? (If I remember the article correctly and he hasn't even tried.)

And yes, it's something I find very hard to comprehend.

I'm sure you didn't try everything you don't like, yet you know you don't like it. Possibly it's true even in a sexual context. If someone doesn't want to have sex, they shouldn't do it.

Spot on. It's an evolutionary advantage. Liking sex, liking sweet taste, heterosexuality. For thousands of years, all those characteristics meant that the individual who has them has greater chances to pass on his or her genes. Majority of people who momentarily inhabit this planet are descendants of heterosexual people who liked sex and had sweet tooth, which explains why most people at the moment have those characteristics.

I don't think your evolution theory works. Homosexuality and not liking sex didn't (and doesn't) stop people from having children. (if that would be the case I probably would not be here ). It's just natural variation in the population, I think. It is thought that homosexuality constitutes a fixed percentage of the population, which implies that there is no evolutionary pressure against this characteristic. I've yet to come across a proper study about asexually and its percentage in the population.