ugh - I didn't know how good I had it.... I used to get depressive moods, periods, whatever. And those weren't great, but they weren't debilitating. they weren't very scary.... they were just low moods, dark periods, that lingered for a while and then lifted.
Anxiety on the other hand, really sucks.
I'd been flippant when people talked of anxiety issues.... no more. it's debilitating and scary is what it is.
I think anxiety is happening to me because it's depression plus stress - in my case, that equals anxiety.
Rationally, i know that my stress is stupid (it's work related) and i know that physically there's nothing wrong with me (thanks to the kind e.r. people when I checked in thinking I was dying) - so in theory, I should be ok. but every now and again, i get a real, physical reaction and I think i'm gonna die. My heart pounds, i feel like i'm gonna pass out, my hands shake...
I'm having trouble sitting through meetings some days.... going to relative's houses.... driving.... it's wierd. and it's getting ridiculous.
I'm having trouble drinking nowadays (and that's where I draw the line - I mean - come on...) but a hangover these days is me, nauseaus, dizzy, lying on the couch unable to move with my heart pounding out of my chest. And this lasts for hours... sundays have become scary (since i've limited my drinking to the weekends only - saturday nights are my night to imbibe). i can't even leave the house on days like that - and then as evening falls, the fact that I've been indoors and stagnant ALL day makes me anxious....
insomnia - never knew the meaning of the word. i was always asleep before my head ever hit the pillow..... nowadays, i never know. Some days I sleep fine, other days I've got racing thoughts that i can't turn off and i toss and turn for hours.
maye i'm getting old?
i dunno... i'm taking herbal concoctions for now and they seem to help but they're not completely reliable.... i'll hang in there though.
Yesterday I had an episode at work just after eating lunch... i popped my herbs and went for a walk in the hallways. I thought I was going to pass out... the carpeted floors seemed closer than usual.... i started getting angry.... i yelled at myself in my head - "just f*cking pass out already if that's what you're gonna do... who cares?!" and it slowly eased...
I just hate that I feel physically ill and that i have a real physical reaction to stupid irrational sh*t in my head. I know better than this... I don't care about my job so why am i letting them get to me? ugh...
and I can't even pinpoint what triggers it - all I know is suddenly, I'm drowning.
I need other things in my life - work has tipped the scales in one direction with nothing fun being added to the other side.
in other news - life trundles on...
I'm trying to increase my exercise but my mind is not having it.... i try to do 4 miles a day, mon-fri. it's finally getting warm enough to run outside soon and that always helps since it's like meditation. but i'm just going through the motions at this point. I can't get to that phase where I'm really enjoying working out and giving it my all...
I've downloaded amy macdonald's new album - i love running to her.
but even with running, in the back of my head, i'm thinking i'm gonna be one of those people that drops dead running... black cloud
Anxiety on the other hand, really sucks.
I'd been flippant when people talked of anxiety issues.... no more. it's debilitating and scary is what it is.
I think anxiety is happening to me because it's depression plus stress - in my case, that equals anxiety.
Rationally, i know that my stress is stupid (it's work related) and i know that physically there's nothing wrong with me (thanks to the kind e.r. people when I checked in thinking I was dying) - so in theory, I should be ok. but every now and again, i get a real, physical reaction and I think i'm gonna die. My heart pounds, i feel like i'm gonna pass out, my hands shake...
I'm having trouble sitting through meetings some days.... going to relative's houses.... driving.... it's wierd. and it's getting ridiculous.
I'm having trouble drinking nowadays (and that's where I draw the line - I mean - come on...) but a hangover these days is me, nauseaus, dizzy, lying on the couch unable to move with my heart pounding out of my chest. And this lasts for hours... sundays have become scary (since i've limited my drinking to the weekends only - saturday nights are my night to imbibe). i can't even leave the house on days like that - and then as evening falls, the fact that I've been indoors and stagnant ALL day makes me anxious....
insomnia - never knew the meaning of the word. i was always asleep before my head ever hit the pillow..... nowadays, i never know. Some days I sleep fine, other days I've got racing thoughts that i can't turn off and i toss and turn for hours.
maye i'm getting old?
i dunno... i'm taking herbal concoctions for now and they seem to help but they're not completely reliable.... i'll hang in there though.
Yesterday I had an episode at work just after eating lunch... i popped my herbs and went for a walk in the hallways. I thought I was going to pass out... the carpeted floors seemed closer than usual.... i started getting angry.... i yelled at myself in my head - "just f*cking pass out already if that's what you're gonna do... who cares?!" and it slowly eased...
I just hate that I feel physically ill and that i have a real physical reaction to stupid irrational sh*t in my head. I know better than this... I don't care about my job so why am i letting them get to me? ugh...
and I can't even pinpoint what triggers it - all I know is suddenly, I'm drowning.
I need other things in my life - work has tipped the scales in one direction with nothing fun being added to the other side.
in other news - life trundles on...
I'm trying to increase my exercise but my mind is not having it.... i try to do 4 miles a day, mon-fri. it's finally getting warm enough to run outside soon and that always helps since it's like meditation. but i'm just going through the motions at this point. I can't get to that phase where I'm really enjoying working out and giving it my all...
I've downloaded amy macdonald's new album - i love running to her.
but even with running, in the back of my head, i'm thinking i'm gonna be one of those people that drops dead running... black cloud