Someone told me Morrissey is going to sing at the opening of the World Cup in South Africa. The song he will sing is a cover of the "little known" B-side of th Spitting Image number one 1986 single Chicken Song;
(I've Never Met) A Nice South African
I've travelled this whole world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunstroke in the Arctic and a swim in Timbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yeti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten-foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the King of China
And a working Yorkshire miner
But I've never met a nice South African
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos we're a bunch of arrogant bastards
Who hate black people.
I once got served in Woolies after less than four weeks' wait
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late
I know a public swimming bath where they don't p*ss in the pool
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school
I've met a normal mOrman
And a fairly modest German
But I've never met a nice South African
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos we're a bunch of talentless murderers
Who smell like baboons.
I've had a close encounter of the twenty-second kind
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind
I've got Directory Enquiries after less than forty rings
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings
I've seen a flying pig
In a quite convincing wig
But I've never met a nice South African
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths
With no sense of humour (hah-hah-hah).
I've met the Loch Ness Monster and he looks like Fred Astaire
At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire
I know a place in Glasgow which is bright with daffodillies
I met a man in Katmandu who claimed to have two willies
I've had a nice Pot Noodle
But I've never had a poodle
And I've never met a nice South African
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
Because we've never met one either
Except for Breyten Breytenbach
And he's emigrated to Paris.
Yes, he's quite a nice South African
And he's hardly ever killed anyone
And he's not smelly at all
That's why they put him in prison.
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He will then proceed to take a penalty after his voal performance a la Diana Ross but score with a 90mph piledriver and be named as a last minute replacement for David Beckham in the England squad, coming on as a substitute in the last minute of the quarter final against Portugal/Argentina/Germany (last 16 then) and when the game goes to penalties will miss the decisive spotkick (obviously)
The experiences will then form the basis of his new album; Out of Africa and Morrissey's self-persecution complex will be at its nadir.
"England still hates me (and that Swedish referee)" is muted as the first single.